Episode 4: “The Time I Accidentally Became a Priest”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up
Setting: The back booth of a crowded tavern near the Gnome Quarter, feet up, boots off — he claims they’re not cursed anymore, but no one’s asked for them back; either there, or a candlelit booth in the back of a chapel-turned-tavern (or tavern-turned-chapel). Soft ambient organ music playing faintly. A mug clinks.
“How does one accidentally become a priest…same way you accidentally fall in love…” -Gilbreth Beranardus
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
Gilbreth’s voice enters reverent, then immediately casual.
Gilbreth:
“Blessings, sinners. It’s your favorite heretic, Gilbreth Bernardus, and today’s sermon is on redemption, mistaken identity, and how to bluff your way into a priesthood — without meaning to.”
(pause)
“Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Gilbreth, how does one accidentally become a priest?’Same way you accidentally fall in love.
You weren’t paying attention, you were wearing someone else’s robes, and before you know it, people are confessing things they really shouldn’t.”
📖 The Setup
“So there I am — broke, hungover, hiding from a very large man who thinks I stole his boots.
I duck into a small stone building near the west canal.
Quiet. Warm. Smelled like incense and unresolved trauma.”(he sips something)
“I sit in the back. Try not to breathe too loud. Then someone mistakes me for a priest. Says, ‘Forgive me, Father, for I have —’
And I panicked. I nodded.”
🎭 The Robes and the Role
“Turns out, there was a priest — Brother Halbrim — but he’d fallen asleep behind the altar after an unfortunate wine testing ritual.”
“So I do what any reasonable man does:
I lean into the role.”“I gave advice. I quoted a book I haven’t read. I even made up a holy gesture I now see people doing in back alleys.
By sundown, I had three believers and a food donation.”
👹 The Confession
“Now here’s where it gets tricky.
A woman comes in. Hooded. Quiet.
Says she’s been cursed for stealing something sacred.I ask, ‘What did you steal?’
She says, ‘A name that wasn’t mine.’
And suddenly, I don’t feel like joking anymore.”
(long pause)
“I told her to let the name go. That guilt isn’t a debt — it’s just weight.”
(softer)
“She left lighter. I stayed heavier.”
✝️ The Aftermath
“They never found out I wasn’t Halbrim.
Well — until the real Halbrim woke up and kicked me out.
But for a day, I was holy.
And I didn’t steal a thing.”(beat)
“Except maybe… a little peace.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and once, a blessing that wasn’t mine.” 🎶