Episode 16: “A Whole Hour of Half Truths..”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up; deep dive. One drink, one story, one long ramble of questionable recollection.
Setting: Crickets chirping outside. Occasional distant chanting. Late at night in a backroom tavern near a bridge in the “slum-dump educational district” of Borjira.
“…well, it’s an hour when played slow.” -Gilbreth Bernardus
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
🧭 EPISODE STRUCTURE OUTLINE
🔹 0:00–5:00 — Opening Monologue
Gilbreth sets the tone: a mysterious tale, a broken mug, a missing shoe, and the beginning of a story that probably isn’t true.
“Now, I’m not sayin’ I technically stole the dragon egg… I’m sayin’ there was already a hole in the wall when I got there.”
🔹 5:00–15:00 — Storytime: The Great Dragon Egg Incident
A (mostly untrue) tale of Gilbreth trying to sell a fake dragon egg to a noblewoman — ends in near-death, a romantic misunderstanding, and a tax audit.
🔹 15:00–25:00 — Tavern Table Talk
Gilbreth answers made-up listener letters and advice column prompts with completely unreliable advice.
Sample letters:
- “My party won’t let me keep looted items. What should I do?”
- “I think my warlock patron is flirting with me.”
- “How do you politely decline a necromancer’s invitation to dinner?”
🔹 25:00–35:00 — Interview with Breui Anne Ale
Gilbreth plays both parts, pretending she’s writing him passive-aggressive letters. Ends with him denying they’ve broken up.
🔹 35:00–45:00 — “Grave Goods and Grifter Goods” Commercials
Fake ads:
- 12th Hand Wares Pawn Shop
- Beholder Eye Drops
- Dragon-B-Gone Repellent
- Bardic Dating App: “Lute Me In”
🔹 45:00–52:00 — Reflection: The Nature of Lies
Gilbreth gets suspiciously philosophical. Talks about truth, trust, and how a good story can heal… or cause minor property damage.
🔹 52:00–58:00 — “Wanted Poster of the Week” Segment
He reads an old wanted poster, sometimes his own, sometimes someone else’s, and recounts the blurry details.
🔹 58:00–60:00 — Closing Toast
Gilbreth offers a toast to the listeners:
“Here’s to the truths we drink to, the lies we swear by, and the friends we wake up next to… even if we don’t remember their names.”
🎙️ Half Truths, Whole Drinks — Episode 16: “I Swear, It Was a Dragon”
⏱️ 0:00–5:00 – Opening Monologue
[Sounds of a tavern settling, a soft fire crackling.]
“Now, I know what you’re thinking. Gilbreth, what in all nine layers of hell do you mean by ‘I didn’t technically steal the dragon egg’?
But I stand by it — I merely liberated an unattended object from a structurally compromised vault that happened to belong to a very angry red-scaled individual with wings. Coincidence? I think not.
Look, if someone leaves their priceless magical inheritance just sittin’ there — unattended, glimmerin’ like a ripe plum in a drought — it’s practically entrapment.
…Also, I was drunk. Which is not an excuse, mind you. It’s just tradition.”
⏱️ 5:00–15:00 – Storytime: The Great Dragon Egg Incident
“Picture it. A cloudless morning in upper Borjira, just past the ‘Do Not Pass’ line of the eastern cliffs. I’m ridin’ on the back of a goat. Not mine. Name was Chester.
Word was, a noble lady — Baroness Mirelda the Misled — was buying rare beast eggs for her ‘Collection of Exotic Disappointments.’
I thought, ‘What’s the harm in a little shell-painted deception?’
So I pick up an old wyvern egg from a yard sale out in the scrapyards, paint it gold, inlay some garnets, and boom — instant profit.
Only problem? Turns out it was a dragon egg.
That sucker hatched in the bag. Bit my left pinky. Name’s Tuppence now.
The baroness didn’t notice — too busy fainting — and the guards chased me off the estate with poultry forks and an eldritch debt collector named Marvin.”
⏱️ 15:00–25:00 – Tavern Table Talk
“Right, time for listener questions. You write ’em, I read ’em, and neither of us walks away better for it.”
Q1: “My party won’t let me keep looted items. What should I do?”
“Easy. Keep loot small, swallowable, and moderately digestible. Or better — hide it in a false bottom mug. Problem solved.”Q2: “I think my warlock patron is flirting with me.”
“Good. That’s leverage. Make ‘em jealous by praying to a rival deity. Bonus if it’s your patron’s ex.”Q3: “How do I politely decline a necromancer’s dinner invite?”
“Tell ‘em you’re vegan. That’ll confuse ‘em long enough to run.”
⏱️ 25:00–35:00 – Interview with Breui Anne Ale (Sort of)
[Gilbreth talking in a slightly higher voice to mimic Breui]
“Dear Gilbreth,
You left your boot, your goat, and your dignity at my doorstep. Again.”“Ah, Breui… music to my ears. She’s strong, mysterious, and once threatened to curse my mustache off. Still engaged, I think.”
“Did I mention I got her a ring? Found it in a pawn shop called 12th Hand Wares. Traded it for a used wand and two songs I wrote about her that she’s never heard — by court order.”
⏱️ 35:00–45:00 – Fake Tavern Ads
🎭 Ad 1: 12th Hand Wares
“Looking for magic items with only minor curses? Come to 12th Hand Wares, where quality is subjective and prices are negotiable under duress.”👁 Ad 2: Beholder Eye Drops
“Do your eyes stalk? Do they sting when they stare too long into the void? Try Eye Like You! Made from ethically-sourced gelatinous cube juice.”💔 Ad 3: Bardic Dating App: ‘Lute Me In’
“Swipe left for necromancers, right for hopeless romantics. ‘Lute Me In’ — because nothing says commitment like a charm spell and a seven-day cooldown.”
⏱️ 45:00–52:00 – Reflection: The Nature of Lies
“They say a lie told often enough becomes the truth. I say — that’s only true if you’re really drunk, and the tavern’s loud enough.
But sometimes, a lie isn’t a trick. It’s hope. It’s a story you’re tryin’ to make real. Maybe that egg wasn’t mine, but I sure as hell needed it to be.
Truth hurts. But a good lie? That keeps your boots dry, your tankard full, and sometimes — just sometimes — your heart from fallin’ to pieces.”
⏱️ 52:00–58:00 – Wanted Poster of the Week
[Sound of paper unfolding.]
“Wanted: one halfling, maybe drunk, possibly charming. Last seen offering to marry a griffon for tax breaks.”“Reward: Two pints and a wink.”
“Description: Slightly misleading, but overall pleasant.”
“Name: Unknown. Alias: Gilbreth Bernardus.”
“That’s me, by the way. I’d argue the pleasant part.”
⏱️ 58:00–60:00 – Closing Toast
[Mug raised.]
“To the truths we trip over, the lies we ride like wind, and to the stories that follow us when we’ve long since passed the punchline.
Here’s to unfinished songs, second chances, and a bartender who knows when to stop pouring and start listening.”
[Fade out with tavern music and a subtle raven caw.]
🍻 Pub Wisdom with Gilbreth Bernardus
“The world don’t spin on gold, friend. It spins on favors, forgotten promises, and the occasional bad idea done very confidently.”
“You can tell a lot about a man by how he holds a mug. If it’s tight, he’s hiding fear. If it’s loose, he’s hiding something else. If it’s empty? He’s either dangerous… or broke. Usually both.”
“Never play cards with someone who offers to teach you the game first. And especially not if their name starts with ‘Mysterious.’”
“Best lie I ever told? That I knew what I was doing. Still believe it myself some days.”
“Always tip your bartender. They remember your face long after your friends forget your name.”
“There’s no such thing as a clean getaway. Just ones that ain’t been found out yet.”
“Every good story starts with ‘I probably shouldn’t be telling you this…’ and ends with someone swearing it was a dragon.”
“Trust is like a bar tab. Easy to open, hard to settle, and someone always walks out the back door when it’s due.”
“If someone says they’ve never been in love, they’re either lying… or still talking to their ex.”
“You can find wisdom in the bottom of a bottle. But only if you didn’t put your teeth in there first.”