Episode 14A: “The Time I Married Into a Cult for Free Room and Board” + Episode 14B: “The One Night I Wasn’t Lying”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up
Setting: Crickets chirping outside. Occasional distant chanting. Gilbreth sounds… hesitant.
“Usually, when I meet someone new… I lie.
Not to hurt them.
Just to feel interesting.
Safe.
Unknowable.”
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
Woodd creaks. Someone hums eerily in the background. Gilbreth clears his throat.
Gilbreth:
“Now before you judge me — and you will — I want to make it very clear:
they had wine.
They had beds.
They had amazing robes.
And I was very, very tired.”
🏛️ The Cult
“Called themselves The Eternal Fold. Said the stars whispered to them and so did the turnips.
I figured they were eccentric vegetarians with matching cloaks.
But then someone handed me a scroll, called me ‘Beloved Vinebinder,’ and offered me a ceremony.”
💍 The Marriage
“I said yes. Of course I did. I thought it was symbolic.
Next thing I know, I’m married to a ceremonial tree named ‘Gloryroot.’
They threw flower petals. I gave a speech. The tree was silent but deeply present.”
🧙♂️ The Problem
“Turns out — spiritual marriage is legally binding in certain druidic jurisdictions.
I now technically own a plot of land I can’t locate and am forbidden from eating beetroot for seven years.”
Gilbreth (smug):
“Best sleep I ever had, though.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and a tree who still sends me dreams.” 🎶
Episode 14B: “The One Night I Wasn’t Lying”
(Soft wind. A ship bell chimes once. Gilbreth speaks softly, no performance in it.)
Gilbreth:
“Usually, when I meet someone new… I lie.
Not to hurt them.
Just to feel interesting.
Safe.
Unknowable.”
💫 The Night
“She found me on the docks. Said she could always tell when someone was pretending.
I asked her what I looked like.
She said, ‘Like someone who wants to be forgiven for things they haven’t done yet.’”
(beat)
“We sat. Talked. Laughed. I didn’t invent a single detail.
I told her my real name.
I think… I told her my real self.”
⏳ The End
“We parted ways before sunrise. No promises. No regrets.
Just a look that said, ‘That was enough.’
And maybe… it was.”
Gilbreth (softly):
“I lie for many reasons.
But the one time I didn’t…
That’s the night I remember most clearly.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and the truth that didn’t need to last to be real.” 🎶