Listener Submissions Special: “Dear Gilbreth: You’re a Fraud and I Want My Goat Back”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up
Setting: Gilbreth at a tavern table, reading from a messy stack of letters with a mug in hand; shuffle of parchment.
“Dear Gilbreth: You’re a Fraud and I Want My Goat Back”
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
Gilbreth sighs, amused.
Gilbreth:
“Alright, you lovely, angry bunch — it’s time for some listener mail.
Apparently, my misadventures have… consequences. Who knew?”
✉️ Letter 1: “You’re a Fraud.” — Enchanter Thalmik, Borjira
“You borrowed three silver, a charm ring, and my trust.
You returned none of them. Also, the ring doesn’t work anymore.
It explodes. Kindly explain.”Gilbreth:
“Thalmik, my dear — the ring exploded because of your trust. That’s what we call enchantment synergy. You’re welcome.”
✉️ Letter 2: “I Want My Goat Back.” — Signed ‘It Knows What It Did’
“You returned the wrong goat. The one you left bites and plays dice. My original goat was afraid of mirrors. Fix this.”
Gilbreth:
“Right, well. First of all — you’re welcome. Second — if the new goat is winning at dice, I recommend keeping him.”
✉️ Letter 3: “Did We Kiss or Did I Imagine That?” — Breui(?)
“There was wine. There were candles. There was a moment.
You said you’d write. You didn’t.
So now I’m writing instead.”(long pause)
Gilbreth:
“I remember the wine. I remember the moment.
I forgot the letter.
I never forgot you.”
Gilbreth (raising mug):
“To everyone who’s written in — I hear you, I appreciate you, and I will absolutely pretend to respond more often.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and fan mail that reads like court summons.” 🎶
“Mail, Mayhem, and Mildly Legal Threats” — “These aren’t the Bards you’re looking for…….”
Volume 2
Setting: Rainy day, Gilbreth reading from a stack of damp envelopes near a leaking window
Rain tapping on glass. Gilbreth clears throat dramatically.
Gilbreth:
“Right, let’s see what the universe has scrawled at me this week. Spoiler: I already owe all of you emotional restitution.”
✉️ Letter 4: “I Wasn’t the Bard You Thought I Was.” — Lyrren of Velkryn
“You introduced me on stage as a legendary harpist.
I play flute.
Badly.”Gilbreth:
“Look, Lyrren — I didn’t say what kind of legend.
Now people remember you, right? You’re welcome.
Fame is just public confusion.”
✉️ Letter 5: “You Sold Me a Map to My Own Basement.” — R. Thornwhip
“You told me it led to lost treasure. It led to my laundry.”
Gilbreth:
“And did you not find your favorite cloak down there? Boom. Treasure.
It’s all about perspective.”
✉️ **Letter 6: “Stop Sending Me Bottles with Notes Inside.” — K.”
“You don’t sign them. One just said: ‘Was this real?’
Another had a drawing of a goat.”Gilbreth:
“K — that one wasn’t for you. That was meant for a river spirit with very mixed feelings about our breakup.
But hey, if you read it… maybe the note was for you after all.”
✉️ Letter 7: “You Bet Me I Couldn’t Fall in Love With You. I Did. You Won.” — Unsigned
(handwritten in smudged ink, corner torn)
“You said I wouldn’t. I did. You didn’t.”
Gilbreth (softly):
“Well…
That’s the thing about bets.
Sometimes… both people lose.”
(brief silence. The sound of pages being shuffled)
Gilbreth:
“To everyone writing in: I hear you. I don’t always remember you, but I hear you.
And to the ones who send me letters I never open?
Those are the ones I read the most.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and a love letter doesn’t need a name if it finds the right heart.” 🎶