Episode 2: “The Five Rules of Not Getting Caught (And Why I Broke All of Them)”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up
Setting: Probably the back room of a tavern with questionable plumbing. Soft creaking of a wooden chair, muffled tavern brawl in the distance.
“I don’t like, I just change the facts until they like me.” -Gilbreth Bernardus.
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
Gilbreth clears his throat like he’s about to give a lecture… or sell you something.
Gilbreth:
“Welcome back, beautiful listeners, unfortunate debtors, and exes pretending not to listen. This is Episode Two of Half-Truths, Whole Drinks, and today we’re talking about how not to get caught. Which is hilarious, really, because I’ve been caught so many times, I have a favorite cell.”
🧠 Rule 1: Don’t Steal What You Can Talk Your Way Into
“Listen close now — you can steal the key. Or… you can flirt with the innkeeper’s daughter until she hands it to you with a smile. Same goal, fewer chains. This applies to hearts, vaults, and meat pies.”
🦶 Rule 2: Leave Before the Music Stops
“You know the feeling when a tavern gets quiet? Like… too quiet? That’s not your cue to finish your drink — it’s your cue to jump out the nearest window. Even if it’s closed.”
(pause)
“Especially if it’s closed.”
🪞 Rule 3: Don’t Lie. Improvise the Truth.
“It’s not a lie if it could be true. I once told a guard I was escorting the stolen horse back to its rightful owner. Did I know where the owner was? No. But I knew they’d want their horse back. And that’s basically justice, right?”
💔 Rule 4: Never Fall in Love Mid-Heist
(longer pause)
“Breui taught me that one. If you’re stealing something valuable, don’t get distracted by someone more valuable.
Or do. Just make sure you’re not the one who ends up stolen.”
(soft clink of glass)
“Still haven’t figured out who took more — her, or that noble’s wine collection.”
🕳️ Rule 5: Always Have an Escape Plan You Don’t Tell Anyone
“Your exit plan is like your real name — don’t share it unless you want someone to use it against you. I keep three escape routes in every tavern. Four, if you count seduction.”
(whispers) “I always count seduction.”
Gilbreth (leaning in):
“And look — I broke every single one of these rules. That’s how I know they work.
Next week’s topic? “Love Letters I Forgot I Wrote (And the Wards That Activated When I Did).”
‘Til then — don’t get caught. And if you do… be charming.”
(Tavern door creaks open. Someone yells “Oi! You still owe me for that goat!”)
Gilbreth:
“Ah. Speaking of escape plans…”(rapid footsteps, cut to outro music)
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and if I left anything behind, it probably wasn’t mine.” 🎶