Episode 5: “The Case of the Stolen Goat (Which May Have Stolen Me First)”
Host: Gilbreth Bernardus
Style: One-part advice, two-parts bragging, three-parts made-up
Setting: Somewhere near a stable that may or may not still be standing
“Simple, right? Except the goat — and I’m not making this up — had a reputation. They called it Wicked Little Edwin; Four taverns banned him, one worshiped him. No idea why.”-Gilbreth Bernardus
:: TRANSCRIPT ::
Goat bleating faintly in the background. Sounds like a wooden fence being repaired. Gilbreth sighs.
Gilbreth:
“Alright, look — I didn’t mean to steal the goat.
Not this time.
But in my defense… the goat looked at me first.”
🐐 It Started with a Bet
“Tavern contest. Classic game of ‘Pin the Tail on the Fire Genasi.’ I lost. The wager? Walk a goat across the city to prove humility.”
“Simple, right? Except the goat — and I’m not making this up — had a reputation. They called it Wicked Little Edwin.”
“Four taverns banned him. One worshipped him. No idea why.”
🔄 Who’s Leading Who?
“So there I am, trying to walk this smug, stubby chaos demon across Borjira. Every five steps, he veers off to chew someone’s cloak or eat an important document.
I try to bribe him with bread. He barters for jewelry.”
(beat)
“Eventually, I realize… I’m not walking the goat. He’s walking me.”
🕵️ The Real Crime
“Halfway across the city, we’re stopped by a merchant screaming that the goat is stolen. I’m confused.
Not because I’m innocent — but because I don’t remember stealing this specific goat.”
“Turns out? Edwin had escaped from the merchant three weeks earlier. No one had caught him.
Until me. By accident. During a bet.”
Gilbreth (proudly):
“And that, my friends, is how I accidentally solved a robbery while committing one.”
🎶 “Half-truths, whole drinks — and one goat smarter than me.” 🎶